Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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