mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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