having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
