If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
