1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Quick, to the slutcave!
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Randomize