At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
