Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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