time to smoke my breakfast
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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