Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
So squirting runs in the family.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
