Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
