FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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