kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
