ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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