she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
