after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
40s are totally the cure
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
