I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
