o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
