My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
