Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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