...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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