I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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