I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
At least life still wants to fuck me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
