I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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