The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
