I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
