I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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