remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
you made out with another girl for some wings
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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