So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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