I accidentally burped into my bong.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
