I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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