I am midnight drunk by noon
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
They have beer where we have blood.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
