So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
