The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
my phone needs a breathalizer
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
