im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
