GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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