The maid of honor just puked.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
