Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
