Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
