So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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