Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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