Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
