ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
