my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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