After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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