It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
