On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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