Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
