he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
