I wish my penis had an off switch
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
