bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
