he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
