I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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