Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
