i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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