its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
