He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
