she said she was living bicuriously through me.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
