Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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