Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
