Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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