after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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