I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
