Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
