I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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