I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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