I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize