after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
