i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
